Listening

Moving to a beautiful part of the United States

2012-02-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

I honestly have to say that, even though I have not traveled the entire country, I have moved to a spectacular place of beauty - both geographically and from a humaness standpoint.

The Gorge as it is belovely referred to, is an hour and a half east of Portland, OR, down the Columbia River which winds through beautiful carved hilllsides.

The Dalles, where I now work and reside, is deeply rooted in it's native american and pioneer history. Klindt's on 2nd St. is the oldest bookstore in Oregon.

I love it here and feel so lucky to have found a place to work and live within three months...in this economy, that is AMAZING!

You think you know a person...

2011-06-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

Typically, I would not post complaints (life is too short), but I am feeling the need to put in writing how my former husband has acted in the last 22 months just to clear my mind. As the subject title suggests, he turned his back and had no honor - something that really surprised me.

I wanted a respectful and honest dissolution (now I know that does not exist - there is a reason you are getting divorce, and that was my bad), and 50% of our property and assets (401K)-we were in complete agreement.

He sabotaged the sale of our house (I will not go into detail), then sat on his hands for 12 months to refinance, once the refinance was ready to close I asked for a modfication of our decree that clearly stated that the condo had not sold, therefore I would sign a quit claim deed to take my name off the title as payment (since he could not afford to buy me out he would pay for our daughters college tuition and loans-a very fair trade under the circumstances).

The courts are still sitting on the modification due to a error of filing the incorrect form by the attorney. In the meantime, the bank, title company and Dan were coming down on me - calling, emailing with psuedo threats "if you don't do this, he will loose the refi" "If you don't sign by this certain date he will accue $237 fee every 5 days after the 20th (initially they stated the 27th, when the correct modification was filed on the 16th...I was thinking we had one more week). I did not want him to be charged! and I am fearful, because of the way the attorney was bad mouthing the judge in charge of our modification, the she will deny this modfication and then I would be responsible for a loan if Dan defaulted. Also, I did not want Dan to loose the refi (he was very lucky to be approved as our place; along with many others, is undervalued due to the recession).

I have signed off my interest to the only thing I owned. We used the 401K disbursement to help Dan stay in the condo from September to February while he looked for a job (he lost employment in August).

Now, I am in fear that the courts will not only deny our modification, but will come back with an order for child support (our original decree stated that support would be provided by a $25,000 trust set up in our daughters name once the proceeds of the condo had been disbursed - the sale did not happen, because I realize now, Dan never had any intention of moving because he would not have been able to afford something as nice). I am living as fugile as I can and it is still hard; I know I am not alone.

He has been able to provide for our daughter (I have not, and it's been heartbreaking and damaging to our relationship), and last week her bought her a '95 Mercedes (which includes the insurance and diesel gas expense). I want to help but he has allowed this process to take control and take everything from me-not standing up for me or disagreeing with the decisions made. He has not stood up for me or shown respect for the money I invested from my brother's and grandfather's inheritance towards paying off our debts in the 10's of thousands, and allowing us to move up in property values by paying for a new roof and gas heat in our first home.

Like I started out "you think you know a person..," but the truth is, we really don't know our potential ourselves, so it's better not to blindly trust.

seven months of my life...

2011-02-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

Thomas Adcock said "there's no sense being Irish unless you know the world's going to break your heart."

I guess there is some truth to that saying. Also, "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Thank you, Stacy, for a great seven months of romance, laughter, fun and companionship. We helped each other through a rough time in our lives. And our friendship, will foster that foundation.

Leaving Dr. Martens

2010-09-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a joyful experience working with a diverse group of people who come together like a functioning family. The downside is that I'm not of the mold for customer service.

It is amazing the amount of rudeness, interrupting, swearing, entitlement I have seen in my last three years at the job! We are definitely losing the ability to be civil and compassionate with each other - I'm just as guilty, when push came to shove.

I will miss the company, but not the job.

Now it's time to take the plunge and move towards what I haven't had the courage to do in the past ...go to school to be certified as a yoga instructor. People around me think I'm "crazy" or at the very least unconventional...no money saved, no job in place, but the problem is staying in the job was inhibiting my self esteem - a viscous cycle ensues and I felt like I was fast spiraling down the drain.

Can't believe it's true...

2010-07-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

I just spent the most amazing weekend, camping on the Metolius with someone I just met three weeks ago. It's so good to feel this way again, after 20 years!

The weather was amazing, and the company even better.

We talk every day, it's like being in junior high!

I'm living each day to it's fullest and barring no holds, the heart is resilient and now I know that I can be happy with someone or on my own...it's my choice.

Resiliency and time

2010-06-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

Bring the summer on! We've seen record rain amounts and only a few sunny 80 degree days, and it's nearing the end of June.

Work is keeping me busy and my weekends are filled with dog walks, breakfast's with friends, bike rides and hiking.

I'm finding myself, again, the true core and it's both joyful, yet sad that I spent so many years not taking care to nuture that nature.

My daughter is glad to be home, but now instead of coming to Portland each weekend, now she's going to Corvallis (where her college is)...funny girl.

Life is looking better everyday...time and resiliency.

Acknowledgement sometimes hurts

2010-05-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

This will be quick. My divorce was final February 18. On May 21 I found my husband had a "weekend guest" over to our joint condo, where he resides. They have known each other for a couple of months.

He tells me he cares for her, she's wonderful, I would like her...I listen, trying to be a friend; I want him to be happy. But I can't be his friend, at least not right now. He says it's hard after 21 years...tell me about it! My stomach turns to even have the attention a male, let alone being touched/kissed....I would probably puke.

I'm sad, I feel lost, but I have no regrets - especially now! No amount of gender justification can excuse away this pain. And I know, that when the day comes that I "care" for someone again - he will know what I'm feeling now. I do think that I'm being the sensitive one in regards to our daughter, family and friends, it's just a bit too soon for someone who "wanted to work things out, and asked me not to do this." I did nothing, but try. I will be fine in time...everything in time.

Al Jarreau-a little distraction

2010-05-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

This song always makes me feel good....Roof Garden.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYP-2jBuKZw

Raising a Child

2010-03-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

I remember so well that day, when I found out I was going to have a child....there was no fear or worry, just elation. Many are robbed of the opportunity, as hard as they try. I didn't have to try at all.

My nine months of pregnancy was the best experience of my life (at least to this point, and I can't imagine it being any better). And after I gave birth, I felt like it was Christmas everyday...going into the nursery and seeing this amazing little human, who we had created.

Sure, parenting is hard, we are pushed to our limits in giving and unselfishness, no other time in our lives do we feel the responsibility as large, as this one...to give up our own desires and needs because someone depends on us conditionally.

Our daughter is now approaching 20 years old, and I marvel at the accomplishments and growth she has experienced; and what growth has come to me from this. She is an amazing woman (yes, not just my child, but now a grown adult).

I'm so proud, and honored to have had this opportunity to be her mother.

The collar and leash

2010-02-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have dissolved our 21 year union....amicably. What can you say about sharing those many years, and raising one child? This is my opinion( maybe not my spouse's):

When you commit to a life time union, you promise; in the Catholic faith, to love and cherish, admire, sacrifice and be true.

We bond ourselves in this ceremony of matrimony with a ring - the collar, saying I belong to this person. What we do not commit to is being bound by a leash - restricted and restrained, from fulfilling our life through God's graces.

A happy matrimony is "give and take", finding the balance between two peoples needs. I recently watched a program where Sandra Day O'Connor commented that her husband always stood beside (not behind) her in her decisions to come to where she was - supreme court justice. He was not an egotistic man, he found no fault in himself, but more elevated by his wife's accomplishments. She found true and unconditional support.

If I, as a woman, would have been more convicted on my goals, I would not be seeing my dissolution of marriage, but I was always willing to take the back seat because of my indecision.

Now, I have decided, the time is mine to choose and make things happen for me, alone; without distraction or dissolution. My path is clear and I see what is possible.

If I were to ever be committed in a relationship again, I would look for the following:

Committment
Egoless
Adoration

Happy New Year, 2010!

2009-12-31T21:40:00.000-08:00

I chose to spend this night celebrating in my own way! I went for a manicure and pedicure with my daughter, which was precious! Went grocery shopping...steak and goodies for the night, then rented the movie "Julie and Julia."

I'm so grateful for the connection I have with my friends and family. And feeling pretty good about being on my own...I have my moments, which is to be expected.

I had a wonderful dinner, and have finished watching the movie. In my past life, I would have been content to fall off to sleep...getting too old to be out late and bring in midnight. But, because I'm living in the city, I hear all my neighbors (through paper thin walls) celebrating (and at 1:00 a.m. probably my neighbors upstairs making love) and it's like a slap in the face. I am alone, with my dog.

I know I will be better for staying in tonight, like I said, I'm too old to be out at midnight, but it's a painful reminder of my aging and circumstances in life right now.

I'm looking forward to this new year, as I was the last...sure hope it has more ups than downs.

Happy New Year and Decade!

2010

2009-12-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

How amazing that 10 years have past since we began this new millennium! So much hope and expectation. I guess the lesson learned is "the more things change, the more they stay the same." It's not quiet a pessimistic view as a hopeful view, that things will occur and we can use our history and experience to make the changes we need; if only we are cognicent of our past.

This will be a pivotal year for me...divorcing, finding my own path, helping my daughter circum-navigate emerging adulthood, preparing for my 50th birthday and trip to Sri Lanka. I'm optimistic that all will work in my favor i.e. selling our home, paying for our daughter's college education, family and friends staying healthy and connected. But life has a mysterious way (or maybe it's God) of throwing you for a loop "every now and again" to keep you mindful of whose really driving...God.

I have said so many times before, that God has been the One to see me through. I only ask of him, that my life stand as a testament of his undying love and support. I, for my part, will never stop giving praise to Him - the one who makes all things possible.

Happy New Year and Decade!

Love and Marriage

2009-11-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

I met my husband through a mutual friend, who I worked with and my husband grew up next door to since the time he was 6 years old until he went off to college. I believed in my heart and mind that God had brought us together and that our friend was an angel.

When we started dating there were vast differences in our approaches to life and dealing with people and issues, but we felt we were the Yin/Yang-perfect compliment to each other. We loved each other deeply, in a soulful way. Though I've never prescribed to the "soul mate" philosophy, it just made sense that we were together. I can't really describe it, almost a visceral feeling two people have. We dated for five months when we made the decision, lying in bed the entire day to ask his parents permission to marry (both my parents were deceased). His parents were ecstatic and even offered for BOTH of us to move into their home to save for the wedding (6 months later). I loved his parents, and sometimes felt more love and acceptance from them than I did from my own parents.

Through the six months of living in the family homestead, I learned a lot about my husband - his upbringing, routines, where he came from in his perspectives. It was a fun time. His mom made me the most beautiful wedding gown! and the 6 bridesmaid dresses.

My first inkling that things were not going to be smooth in our life together came when his very best friend (not the one who introduced us) made a comment about not being able to stand up for my husband at our wedding, because he sincerely believed my husband was making a mistake. I was not the woman he should be with...I came from another walk of life (and I wasn't the Jackie O he believed my husband deserved). My husband told me this three weeks before our wedding, and about having doubts whether he was doing the right thing. I didn't flitch, I simply told him that I knew I was making the right decision for me, but I couldn't marry someone who felt any sort of doubt. I gave him my permission to call it off. He did not. That was 21 years ago.

Our marriage has not been unlike many others. Happy and joyful times; having our daughter, buying our first house (and subsequent two others), sharing, loving. And ofcourse the hard times; raising our daughter with conflicting perspectives on discipline, taking care of each other when we were sick, losing jobs, financial issues. All in all, it did not seem that unusual to have these hills and valleys; that's life. What did seem unusual and nagged at me (and possibly my husband) is the disconnect, not feeling like we were meeting midway. Every issue seemed to be a power of wills - who was going to win, who would concede for some payback later. And the intimacy that was lacking. We spent half our married life sleeping in separate beds; the "excuse" being that my husband had sleep apnea and I had asthma. But even after my asthma went away, and my husband had surgery to cure him and we were sleeping together again, it just didn't feel like we were married.

I don't blame my husband for being afraid to make the decision 21 years ago (three weeks before our marriage) to not go through with our matrimony. But, what I am angry with, is that he was not honest with me. He put up a good front that made it appear to me and the world around us that he was in love and that I was the only one. This was a lie, and I've lived in that lie all these years.

Four months ago, my husband made the fateful decision to have a clandestine meeting with his high school, junior prom date, whom he'd reconnected with on Facebook. He knew what his intentions were; to follow through with an affair, and she was not putting up any stops (as he explained later). Ironically, my dearest friend whom I've known since we were 10 years old, was at the place they had chosen to meet, with all of her family. She watched him come in, sit down, text someone, then slip out of the resturant and into this woman's car. When my husband received an email from my friend asking why he hadn't come over to say hello, my husband lied. My friend didn't let it go, and sent him another email saying "then who was the woman in the black Mercedes?" My husband knew he would not be able to get around this lie, my friend and I have always had each others backs.

Again, as in the very first time that he had come to me with doubt, I was supportive and understanding. Honest in my hurt, but willing to work through helping in whatever way I could. I urged him to do his own work and figure out what was going on with him. That's just not who he is, he knows that, and so pushed back in a way, in order to make "me" make the final decision. That's what I did. We are older and wiser, and looking at another 21+ years of living in lies, is not how I want to spend my life.

When my husband told our daughter, on a drive back from college, she was relieved and not surprised. Her text to me, after she'd heard (and only "conversation" she and I would have -not by my wishes, but hers) was "hey dad told me. i am good...surprisingly not upset about it. tonight my boyfriend and i have plans so i probably wont see you tonight but tomorrow if you want to come shopping with me you should." I in turn had been working on a letter/email since making the decision, that I sent to her. Never any conversation on this letter either, but we have seen a marked, good, connection since. Our children always know, they live with the disconnect and unhappiness. And, unfortunately, are the ones who take the brunt.

My only wish in going through this, and coming into a new chapter in my life, is that my husband, daughter and I can find our comfort zone and be together in happiness. A healthier relationship then we've experienced. My husband and I were not good at being married; as hard as we tried, but we are good friends - that connection is strong, and I have no doubts in it's future. I, for my part, need to start really figuring out whom I can trust, and start standing up for myself. Not in an aggressive way, but with compassion for myself. I need to find confidence in me, and not be so swayed by others opinions of me. And I need to stop thinking that I'm right - know it all.

In the final analysis, I will live my life in truth and honesty, which sometimes will hurt another (but is always better than the alternative, which is to prolong).

Fidelity

2009-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

The news yesterday of South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, abandoning his job, wife and four boys for a woman in Buenos Aires hit me very hard. My heart went out to those children...the thoughtlessness and selfishness of his actions! No wonder our children are feeling lost and abandoned...stories of kidnappings, killings by the parents, adulterous public affairs, who do our children have to look up to?

On CNN.com the comment made "When you look at the whole host of people who have admitted to adulterous affairs, if you look at [New York] Gov. [Eliot] Spitzer, he in fact, engaged with a prostitute. ... If you look at former New Jersey Gov. [Jim] McGreevey, he also -- he put a lover on the state payroll. ... Others have survived when it is quote 'merely an affair,' " Crowley said.

Who cares if they survive politically! It's time to give our concentration on the children.

Facebook Nation

2009-05-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

I love my Facebook! I love hearing what others are thinking and doing. Seeing photos of family and friends I haven't seen in years. It's not about me, though I do post to reciprocate. It's about connecting with my all too busy family and friends...raising children, running business or governments, work, volunteering and don't forget the "downtime" - who has time to connect with the lucky person who has a plethora of friends? Not me, so this is my answer - Facebook.

Since I do the inviting and accepting of who can visit my "wall," I feel safe (I think I know these people well enough to trust them).
The other day, though, I added a few pictures to some new albums that included people other than myself from year's past. I'm thinking now, that I really should have asked their permission instead of tagging them (which sends them a message that someone has a picture of you-check it out) and waiting for them to say "hey, get that friggin' picture off your Facebook."

My husband, who not only has a Facebook account, but Twitter, MySpace. Blogspot and Match.com (just guessing on the last one), thinks the whole thing is pretty narcissistic. "The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness."-Wikipedia. Maybe that's true with some people on these sites, but my guess is those are the same people who don't have friends, so they turn to blogging instead...just a guess.

I think more than anything it's our human instinct to be a bit voyeuristic (non-sexual, ofcourse)...and anyone who doesn't admit to this natural tendency, is the worst offender - don't be fooled, everyone is curious. We are constantly comparing and reviewing based on others. Hidden cameras on street corners, spying in the name of National Security, and Facebook are just extensions of our human tendency to know what's going on. That's probably why Candid Camera had a run of over 30 years, as well.

Well, time to check my status updates...

It's A Beautiful Day

2009-01-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we will, as American's, walk proud for moving one step closer towards the ideals set by our founding Fathers - "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men(women) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness..."

God Bless this country and look over us in the future, as we move through these tough times. Let us all do our part, and not place the burden unequally on the shoulders of our breathren.

A Christmas to Remember

2008-12-25T22:35:00.001-08:00

If ever there was a white Christmas to remember it was this one! Holy smokes, I thought it was never going to stop...but the weather did come through in the final moments so that loved one's could be together. We may not have received the gifts that were purchased and sitting on some truck, but the most important element was in place - being together, safe and warm.

My father-in-law, in our supper prayer, prayed that he would enjoy another Christmas...he and my mother-in-law, are seeing the finals years of their lives. I went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" today, and was so reminded of how precious each part of our lives are, all having a new lesson (at least one) to learn, and the teachable moments they provide for all those around us. Life's journey, ah, and what a journey it has been for me thus far.

We are arriving into the ninth year of this new millenium and my wish is that we as a planet will finally wake up to our challenges to protect mother earth, and our governments will work in unison to bring stability to all. Obama will provide us hope and strength in this country, and we must all do our little part to spread this optimism.

God Bless and Happy 2009!

Economy's Growing Worries

2008-12-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

Last week the U.S. government acknowledged that we have been in a recession since last December...thanks, I think we Americans already knew that! Where have these guys been? I'm no economist (I took two econ classes in college), but I understand some basics i.e. the price of utilities, goods and services has risen 10% in the last three years, while our incomes have virtually stayed the same, that equals disaster as we're seeing now.

We are a consumer nation, we make up 5% of the worlds population, yet consume 20% of it's resources. I don't think it would hurt any of us to curb, slightly, this tendency. But the greed goes largely to Wall Street and Banks whose experts took the American people down a dangerous and unethical road. They should not be bailed out, it sends the wrong message.

I do not want to see our tax dollars going to corrupt banks, and corporations. An idea has been circulating, that I believe in - to rescue the approximately 119 million households who are the backbone of this economy by allocating 595 billion to these households ($50,000 per household), to collectively shift the direction this economy is going in, and instill consumer confidence. I assure you that the majority of Americans would be using this windfall to pay off debts (good for the banks), cover mortgages (another good for banks), purchase goods and services (good for the car industry and Wall Street). What a peace of mind it would be! I'm not so confident that the Big Auto Three or Wall Street could manage their bailouts, or spur the economy, as well as the average American. It's our turn.

President Barack Obama

2008-11-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

All I can say is WOW! Praise God...I'm full of joy and hopefulness. President Obama and family will be a breath of fresh air, at a time when we need it most.

Horray!!

Undecided voters

2008-10-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

This is my own personal opinion, and I guess that's what blogs are for.

Anyone who is undecided, at this point, after 20 months of campaigning by both candidates has got one or more of these issues confounding them:

1.They have not participated in the process. They didn't watch the debates to the full extent, or go to a rally for either candidate.

2.They don't watch t.v., search the web, or read a newspaper.

3.They are not brave enough to state who they believe in...no integrity. Debate when you know what's right is always good.

4. Worst, they make too much or too little and don't want to be vulnerable...transparency to them is toxic.

5. And worst yet, if they support McCain/Palin, they are not couregous enough to admit that it's not on their policies, but because they don't believe a black man has the knowledge to lead a country. Racism is a nasty word, not something you want to be associated with, yet it exists.
To all those first time voters, it's not going to be enough to fill out your registration forms, you've got to FILL OUT YOUR BALLOTS, MAIL THEM NOW, DON'T PROCRASINATE...the world awaits our decision!

Palin's Debate Strategy

2008-10-04T22:08:00.001-07:00

You betcha Joe...say it ain't so. Wink.

Aloneness

2008-09-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

As people have experienced trials and evident failures in this economy, I've notice something. People are shutting down; less interaction. No one wants to be a downer, and so they reject invites and make themselves "busy" to avoid getting into discussions of how bad things are.

Folks, this is the time to connect, more than ever. Don't isolate from our friends, relatives, or the world (United States). We need to share, to pull together, know we are not alone, and share in the responsiblity of doing what we can to help our fellow man.

We don't need to host parties or go out for dinners we can't afford. How about inviting friends or family over for coffee/tea (maybe add some pastries). One thing I've learned from my grandparents that survived the depression is that the community pulled together and shared whatever they had. It gave them strength and confidence.

We are in for a few years of hard knocks, don't be fooled. Learn to appreciate the things that are lasting; love, friendship, family, God. Materials things have no bearing, and can/and will be taken away in a flash.

Connect, share, make ourselves available to help ourselves through helping others.

I post this again, as a reminder of what's important

2008-09-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

I posted this last year, before the financial crisis became clearer. The first part might not resonate, but if you are facing foreclosure, bankruptcy or homelessness, please read on. Stay strong and try to find hope and that silver lining that comes with challenges.

I had lunch with my dear friend, whom I've known since elementary school, and her mother, whose been like a second mom to me and was friends with my mom. I couldn't help thinking, as I'm sure my friend and her mother were, that Juel should have been there with us...laughing about botox and augmentations.

I'm grateful for my friend's mom for being there for me, and taking me in as one of her own. No matter how old you are, losing your mother leaves an indelible mark. We live within them for the first 9 months of our lives, we feed from them, and always know that they will be there for us. Whether the relationship was healthy or not, we always seem to come back to them when we are in need.

My mom was lonely and in financial stress. I'm pretty sure that the financial stress precipitated the loneliness. For anyone reading this, I just want you to know that there's always a way out of financial difficulties...filing bankruptcy is not the end of the world (though it's not optimum), I speak from experience. But committing suicide is final and has long lasting, devastating effects on those you leave behind.

It will be 25 years on November 21 that my mom died. Though time has softened the pain/hurt, I have scars that will last my lifetime. I miss her when my daughter is going through a milestone; my mom would have been the first person I would have called. I wish she would have been alive to have a relationship with her, they would have gotten along so well...and that would have made life good for my mom. I wish she could have met my husband, they too would have gotten along well (probably sharing stories about me, and finding camaraderie).

How do we help someone whose lost hope? I wish I knew. But what I do know is that money is not the path to happiness...never has been and never will be. Anything that can be physically taken away from you is not worth having too strong of a hold on. Our relationships, love, education and values are where we draw strength and hope.

Capital Sins

2008-09-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

In the Catholic church there are seven sources of sin, that cause our soul to be tempted to break a commandment. I bring these up as a reminder to all those suffering with the effects of our economy and poor decisions we have all made to get us to this point.

Pride-a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Covetousness-inordinately or wrongly desirous of wealth or possessions; greedy.

Lust-a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.

Anger-a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

Gluttony-excessive eating and drinking.

Envy-a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Sloth-habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness.

We are living in a time when we as a nation, and planet, are suffering from ill made decisons; all of us has made them, and we all need to find accountability and learn from these mistakes.

Let us not point fingers of blame at our brothers and sisters, we all took part by being with the decision or not speaking out.

Two wrongs do not make a right. Now is the best time to look clearly into our consciousness at what we could have done better, and learn from our mistakes. Placing blame on government, CEO's, shareholders, investment bankers, banks, insurance companies, etc. is not going to move us forward. What we need to do is ask ourselves, what can I do (as one voice) to make a difference.

With every bad decision comes consequence. Let us swallow the "bitter pill" and vow we will not allow these mistakes to happen again...the first step is to keep these capital sins in check.

McCain and Palin

2008-08-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

Let's face it folks, McCain picked someone who will be a puppet. His wife, Cindy Lou Hensley,Junior Rodeo Queen of Arizona and USC cheerleader, has not once been shown giving a speech on behalf of her husband. The reason is clear, John McCain does not see his wife as being credible...women to him are tokens and something to have on his arm.

He will treat Sarah Palin in the same way.

John McCain has used the higher ground of Democrat women, who have fought so hard to gain credibility, to make his own polictical gains. Despictable! Don't buy it.

We are not trophies and we cannot be used! not now, not ever. Sarah Palin has fought hard to get where she is...she has challenged her Republican party, stood up for women/mothers and the working class. I know she believes that she will be able to change the Republican status quo as Vice President, but she will be sadly disappointed. She is being used, for John McCain's own personal political aspirations.

John McCain met with Sarah Palin once, before choosing her as his running mate. Prior to this time they have never worked together. How does he know weather they will work well together? You need to pick a running mate whom you've worked with enough to know their motivations, policies and personality.

With McCain being 76 years old, the possibility of Sarah Palin taking over as President is a clear and present danger. With no foreign policy experience, and running a state for two years, she would be pushed to tackle the huge problems we face here at home and abroad. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I'm sure that the Republican party will say they are making head way, that now is the time. It's just odd timing. Why now? We should all be asking ourselves, why now?

Democrats support Women's rights

2008-08-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Hilary has found acceptance and support from her democratic party. She has fought to make political aspirations possible for women. Of the 14 women members of the Senate, 10 are Democrats. Democrats are for women's equality in all realms of our society.

I say to the Hilary supporters who are feeling offended that Hilary did not win the DNC nomination-to support a Republican presidential nominee, or worst yet, to not vote at all, is a slap in the face for all that Hilary has fought for in her political career. Republicans are not going in the direction of equal rights for women.

Women's rights were not won without struggles...two steps forward, one step back. They were not fought with anger and bitterness, but with intellect, bravery and diplomacy.

If we do not elect a Democrat, if we don't elect Barack Obama, we hurt ourselves...women who fought to put the first woman on the presidental ticket. The fight goes on, alongside our male Democratic counterparts. And someday, we WILL see a woman president and she will be a Democrat!

Tragedy

2008-08-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

We in Portland, have all been struck by the devastation of one family, the Reimann's . A Cessna plane flew into their vacation home Monday, August 4. Three children were killed, one of them our beautiful and wonderfully funny, Julia (10). The mother, Ruth, and her children Christopher (13) and Sarah (11) are in a local hospital burn center. Ruth's sister and husband, also lost their two youngest children, Sam and Grace. Our hearts go out to them all in this time of grief, and we pray for them.

We thank God that they will survive. But I'm also angry at God...where is he? Why do these things happen? It was such a freak accident.

God, please be with Matt, Ruth, Sarah and Christopher, and to all their family. They need you, please! Amen

Some Nice Thoughts to Balance the Media

2008-07-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

With all the doom and gloom we're hearing lately, I thought it might be nice to share some awesome stuff unfolding in our world.

Fort Scott, Kan. - Hundreds of people in Kansas are hoping their pennies go a long way.

Residents of Fort Scott, just west of the Missouri line, are spending the week trying to break two world records: the longest line of pennies and assembling a mile of pennies in the fastest time. Way to Go, and Good Luck!!

Thu Jun 19, 1:56 PM ET Tai and Pip, twin red pandas, sleep in the hands of Sandy Helliker, a animal health technologist at the Edmonton Valley Zoo, in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, Thursday, June 19, 2008. The pandas were born May 26 and are receiving round the clock care from Helliker who hand feeds them with baby bottles. They were taken from their mother after she showed aggression towards one of the babies. Only four babies were born in North America last year, two at the Edmonton Zoo, one in Calgary and one in Winnipeg. There are between 2,000 and 5,.000 red pandas in the wild. They are native to the Himalayas in India and Nepal and southern China.
(AP Photo/ The Canadian Press,Jason Scott

And finally, read Glenn Becks commentary on "What's right with America?"- for once I have to agree with him, we have alot to be thankful for...let us not forget.

Slowing economy gives reason for reflection

2008-06-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

With all the news of how bad things are, and going to be, I think there's a silver lining (one of those terms, I promised I wasn't going to use anymore)...but no, really, hear me out.

Our earth is decaying and we're killing ourselves with the pollutants we put into the air and water. Not being able to afford to drive as much is our tough wake up call...if we're not going to do it now, God will make it happen.

At least one third of the world lives in 1000 square feet per family, we in the US (with one child) live in 3000 square feet!

We consume more food, more natural resources and more commodities than any other country...this is our opportunity, yes I'm going to make the best of these hard times, and say it's an opportunity to do what I should have been doing all along...living simply, conserving gas, and riding my bike more. I've already downsized, so I'm on my way!

Mid Year Resolution for Her*

2008-06-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

Mid-year Resolution

Top 25 Things I'm Going to Try to Keep an Open Mind About, but will Probably Fail.

Show you the money
Wake up and smell the coffee
Want a piece of you
Sit on it
Keep it real
Wang Chung tonight
Get all up in your grill
Think outside the box
Be there (and/or be square)
Talk to the hand
Take it up a notch
Kiss your grits
Get jiggy wid it
Catch you on the flipside
Open up a can of whoop-ass
Gag you with a spoon
Go girl
Keep on truckin'
Get with the program
Eat your shorts
Take it easy
Give mad props
Bring it (on)
Man up
Touch base
Quiero Taco Bell (I have no idea what this means)
Not go there
Whatever
No problem
I'm flexible

*I'm plagarizing...taken directly from "the King" (aka my husband). I did change things a bit, honey, hope you don't mind...you're so funny.

Upcoming Election Prediction

2008-05-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

I predict that we'll either have pre-election ballot failures, or post election disputes...it's in the cards, or ballots in this case.

Why would the government, State of Indiana, wait 2 weeks before their primary to require all voters to show proof of citizenship. I maybe missing something, but isn't this something you prepare the potential voters, months if not years in advance, for a presidential election. It takes time, for some, to get this identification. Good luck getting a passport in two weeks. As for a drivers license, some elderly are being denied for health reasons. Are they going to allow identification cards?

Someone (or many) have received too much power over voter officials. I'm fed up with having my vote negated, thrown out or disputed. We've had four years to fix the problems of chads and voter identification, ill-equipped polling stations, etc.

I'm calling it now, if Hilary doesn't win she's going to make the same sort of fuss that George Bush made four years ago. I wish I could trust her, but I can't anymore. For now, we vote, sit, then wait.

What would we do without the internet?

2008-04-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Southpark had a hilarious segment on everyone loosing their internet connection...what would we do, how would we get our information? People were running to Starbucks to use
Wi-Fi, but alas even Starbucks had lost connection.

If you get a chance Google and watch it. Pretty thought provoking I think.

Are Americans Prejudice?

2008-03-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

The recent attempts at trying to discredit our Democratic candidates with use of race, religion and gender is something I find unsettling as an American.

This country was founded on principles of freedom and opportunity for ALL, not white, male, Anglo, Christians.

The world is watching this presidential race with hope, and are encouraged to see that it is indeed possible to successfully run for the most powerful position in our country if you are a woman or of a race other than white.

Where I'm most astonished, though, is our apparent fear that Obama "may be Muslim?" Why should that matter? This Islamophobia has got to go!

Obama is Christian. But that shouldn't matter! just as gender, sexual orientation or race shouldn't matter. What we are looking for in our President is someone who relates well, listens, applies sound judgement and can work with both parties to find solutions to our difficulties.

The fact that Obama's step-father was Muslim, that he lived part of his childhood in Indonesia, that he is black, would seem to me, good experiences in relating to the countries of the world. Not a hindrance.

Obama is reaching out to all, not a selected few, to pull our country out of this mess. Let's all work together to restore faith in our country, and to show the world what is possilbe when we all work together for the common good.

Barack Obama - he's the real deal

2008-01-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

I have not been this inspired in my whole voting life! He's given HOPE that things can change, through his own politcal career.

I remember watching him at the 2004 Democratic convention, and feeling energized. Then the election fiasco in Florida, and dirty handed politics blew that optimism away.

I don't think, I hope, that the american people have had all they can take...it's been verified by all the candidates - Hilary was crying yesterday in New Hampshire over such sentiment. Barack is the candidate who will get in and work for the people, and if he is roadblocked by lifetimer politicians I wouldn't put it past the american people to swiftly removed those who stand in the way of recovery. We've taken enough! We won't stand for it. The time has come...

New Hampshire Democratic Presidential debate

2008-01-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a democrat, but I started out as republican 30 years ago (even though I quickly changed when Ronald Regan ran for President...I liked Jimmy Crater). I liked Jimmy Carter for two reasons, he was intelligent and he was honest.

This rhetoric for change has got me bored. I agree with Hilary that change is shown in past performance and how to handle the heat, but I also think she confuses what Barack and John are addressing. Obama and Edwards are talking about change in how they respond to "politics as usual," they are talking about knowing how to admit when you are wrong (it takes backbone and intelligence to do that, we are all wrong sometimes), and keeping an open mind without digressing from basic principles like honesty, trust, integrity (sometimes, when we listen and keep an open mind, we learn something new, and change our opinion...that's not wishwashy, that's being smart enough to acknowledge you don't know everything).

What Clinton seems to be saying is that she has influence to bring about change, her experience is in being in the political world for 35 years, and once being the First Lady. Sure she'll be able to get running on "day one," she won't have to be introduced to many things Edwards and Obama will have to be introduced to i.e. the lay of the White House and where everything is...it's not the big stuff you were hired to do that is frustrating, it's the little stuff like how to work the copier and where the bathrooms are that whittle away time in a new job.

I have no doubt that Hilary would help this country in regards to family rights and healthcare, that's what she's been doing for all her career. But I see that the time has come for politicans to stop using their "who I know" experience, and start looking for someone whose not reoccupied with hurting feelings or making enemies if it means moving this country forward. It's something we haven't seen since Jimmy Carter, and look what he's done for the world since leaving the polictical scene.

Holiday Cheer

2007-12-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, another year of making merry is amongst us.
With the rising costs of everything and the looming credit card bills, I want to send out a reassuring message.
Hope is the gift given to us this season...Hannukah, Kwanza, Christmas all mean Hope. Let us rejoice in the goodness and love around us this time of year. The people who are near and dear to us. I cherish the traditions, the music and the beauty of twinkling lights.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

Guilt

2007-11-12T12:41:00.000-08:00

I know that I'm not to blame for my mom's suicide, but I know I didn't help her situation either. This is my admission of guilt. I mentioned that my mom was in financial stress. She had sent me my monthly $100 allowance; I was in college working part-time and taking a full course load, so I didn't think I was asking too much especially when I had friends whose parents paid for everything. Well, the check bounced! I was pissed, and I'm sure I let my mom know how I felt. She sent another check, which cleared, and I called her to thank her. This would be our last conversation. She said she was sorry, in tears, and told me that her husband (my stepfather) wanted a divorce. I tried to assure her that everything would work out for the best. Then she told me she was leaving for our beach house in a couple hours and would call me when she got back (we didn't have a phone at the beach house, and this was before cell phones). I asked if she would be okay, if she wanted me to meet her there? She said, "No, Sam is coming over tomorrow after work. I love you"

I called Sam the next evening, and he said he wasn't going down until tomorrow because of work. The next day I called him again, he still hadn't left and wasn't sure if he was going. I told him that mom was pretty upset and was counting on him being there. He shrugged it off.

The next day, I got to work in the evening. I hadn't been to work more than a half an hour, when a call came through to my department...

"Is Jill there?"
"This is Jill, how can I help you."
"Jill, this is Sam..."
"Sam, what's the matter?"
"Oh My God, Jill, your mom killed herself...crying hysterically, it's all my fault!"
"Sam, Sam, it's not your fault! Where are you? whose with you?"
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!"
"Sam, I want you to hang up and get over to your parents house, do you hear me?"
"It's all my fault!"
"Sam, it's not your fault! I'm going to leave and go home, I'll call you soon, okay?"
"good-bye"

I'll never get that conversation out of my head. No it wasn't his fault for not going to the beach house, nor was it my fault for demanding money, but all those things combined with someone who was feeling lost, didn't know how to cope, and wasn't sharing how they were feeling...well, it was a culimination of all the above.

Mother Love

2007-11-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with my dear friend, whom I've known since elementary school, and her mother, whose been like a second mom to me and was friends with my mom. I couldn't help thinking, as I'm sure my friend and her mother were, that Juel should have been there with us...laughing about botox and augmentations.

I'm grateful for my friend's mom for being there for me, and taking me in as one of her own. No matter how old you are, losing your mother leaves an indelible mark. We live within them for the first 9 months of our lives, we feed from them, and always know that they will be there for us. Whether the relationship was healthy or not, we always seem to come back to them when we are in need.

My mom was lonely and in financial stress. I'm pretty sure that the financial stress precipitated the loneliness. For anyone reading this, I just want you to know that there's always a way out of financial difficulties...filing bankruptcy is not the end of the world (though it's not optimum), I speak from experience. But committing suicide is final and has long lasting, devastating effects on those you leave behind.

It will be 25 years on November 21 that my mom died. Though time has softened the pain/hurt, I have scars that will last my lifetime. I miss her when my daughter is going through a milestone; my mom would have been the first person I would have called. I wish she would have been alive to have a relationship with her, they would have gotten along so well...and that would have made life good for my mom. I wish she could have met my husband, they too would have gotten along well (probably sharing stories about me, and finding camaraderie).

How do we help someone whose lost hope? I wish I knew. But what I do know is that money is not the path to happiness...never has been and never will be. Anything that can be physically taken away from you is not worth having too strong of a hold on. Our relationships, love, education and values are where we draw strength and hope.

The Perfect Storm

2007-09-09T16:49:00.001-07:00

After my visit with my brother at Sequoia Hospital we had one last conversation before his suicide. In September 1992 he came to Portland to visit his friends, then went onto Seaside with them to play in a golf touranment in honor of his friend who had been killed in the boating accident the year before. Little did his friends know that Seaside was where our mother had killed herself, and that the golf tournament took place on her birthday, September 16. Jeff must have had many thoughts going through his mind that weekend. His best friend asked, "Jeff will you promise that if you ever feel alone that you will call me?" as they drove to the airport for Jeff's return back to San Francisco. Jeff promised his friend he would call. Maybe Jeff did try to call, but his friend never heard from him again; 20 days later Jeff was dead.

A Beautiful Life

2007-08-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to this beautiful sight outside my window. I guess I could have been upset that here in the first week of August we are still having overcast skies, and it rained this morning. But then, if it weren't for the rain, I wouldn't have this beautiful dew covered spider web. Life is beautiful when you slow it down, stop and take the time to look and listen. There's beauty all around us, each and every moment of everyday.

Mortality...what's really important

2007-06-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago my father-in-law had a heart attack. A telling sign of the man that he is (and my mother-in-law are) -they worked through the attack, not sleeping at all that night, and going to their trusted doctor the next morning. His diagnosis was a faulty valve and three clogged arteries...he was not allowed to move for five days before the surgery.

Here is a man who served in the WWII, enlisting at age 17, worked for GM for 35 years, coached his four boys in baseball, helped raise six children, volunteers for St. Vincent De Paul serving food to the less fortunate, and above all else leaving people with a sense that he is very interested in who you are and feeling good about meeting him.

His life as a human being is somewhat mysterious, no mention of hard times or regrets. Everything is "good." So seeing him go through this recovery process at the age of 80, knowing that it must hurt like hell, and that he's feeling the years pass before him, is very hard.

It makes my husband and I wonder, how will it be for us? Will we be able to cope with our aging in a graceful and mature manner?

One things for sure, this has been a wake up call for us. Our time is limited with "Pop" and "Gram" and we will take full advantage of spending quality time with them, listening to their stories, learning from their wisdom.

Thank you Gram and Pop for your love, support, and guidance.

Aging and Making Changes

2007-04-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

One thing has become increaslingly clear to me, the older I get the more difficult it has become to navigate change. When I was younger, it was exciting to change my job, locale, appearance...the world was a safe and a wonderful "lab."

I think after 20 years of experimentation, with some failed attempts; but often credible and valuable lessons learned, I'm just getting to the point where I've found where I fit and whom I want to fit with. I don't want to get stuck in "my ways," but a comfort zone with a routine makes life so much easier.

Ofcourse, my mind and body are not as spry, either. My eyes, when I turned 45; as my peers predicted, started to play tricks on me. I can't run the way I use to. And it takes me a little longer to process what's being said to me, and then respond; I'm constantly forgetting words or names of people, only to remember them hours after the fact.

The hardest thing about this career change (and I would guess it's the reason, at my age, people are so hesitant to make this step) is that I was credible and knowledgeable in my last career...I worked 16 years to get to that point. Now, I don't even know how to work the printers. I just keep reminding myself that it's take time; practice, practice, practice. If only I didn't have 50 people counting on me to deliver there valuables, it would be a lot easier.

Life's changes

2007-04-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

I started a new career this month, after being in a very different profession for the last 16 years. I was self-employed and worked by myself. I was responsible for the trust and care of people's homes. I worked for many different types of people, but always people that were trusting and positive.

My new career puts me in daily contact with people. I'm the front person, responsible for setting the tone for people who call us for assistance. The people I work with are from all walks of life, all ages, and for the most part have been in their job for more than 15 years.

The office mentality, as personified on "The Office" is one of guarded trust, helpfulness and understanding. There's this certain kind of "dance," we perform daily. Having the perspective, as I'm still new and not "fully apart of the tribe," I can recognize those who are not totally at peace in their career, and therefore make everyone else pay for their unhappiness.

It's such a shame to feel "trapped" because of earnings. Money can never buy happiness, but happiness will find you a wealth you could never imagine otherwise. My mother always said "find what you do best, and be the best at what you do." My mom's good friend told me "don't worry about prestige, if you are doing what you love, people will respect you because they see how happy you are." Sage advice, that I've used. Every job has it's worth, all is needed to keep the system moving. I like my new career, and treasure it's potential for learning something new about myself and others.

Don't ever settle for second best, you have only this life to do once. Make the best of who you were meant to be.

What Can We Do?

2007-04-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

On Easter we got a call from our friend; the same one I went to visit in Boise right after my brother killed himself, with some very sad news. Her husband, whose been a dear friend of my husband's since second grade, was in jail for his third DUII. His drinking has taken over his life, isolated him from those who love him, cost him his lucrative career and leaves us all feeling helpless. He won't talk to anyone; not his friends, counselor, or his estranged family.

His wife made the agonizing call to police the previous Sunday, because he was going to get into his car after he'd been drinking. I can image he was furious, how could his wife betray him? But the truth is, she was saving him and others on the road. Sometimes making the right decision is the hard decision.

My husband and I cried after talking to her. We want to help, but "what can we do?" Sometimes the only thing we can do is pray (and wait). It's the worst feeling.

I told our friend about my blog and invited her and her husband to visit. I don't know if they will, but if you are reading this...we love you and are here to support you in your recovery. Bravery is being willing to ask for help. You know what I've been through. It wasn't easy for me to admit that I wasn't in control. But once I exposed all my pain, I was relieved to know that I still possessed the power to drive my life. The fear of my pain was much greater than the pain itself. Our hearts are aching for you...you have brought us so much joy, love and great times. We miss you.

All Our Love.

You're Not Alone

2007-04-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

You would think that losing three-quarters of my immediate family would leave me feeling alone. It really had the opposite effect. I felt extremely blessed to have so many friends who loved me and supported me. You really know who your friends are at times like these. These were people who didn't have to be there for me, they wanted to be because they cared for me.

Ofcourse, I went through the normal feelings of being "orphaned" when my mom died. But the reality is that we will all loose our parents; I just lost mine sooner than most.

We are human, we will die. It took me years to come to grips with the physical loss, but I never felt they were completely gone. I still feel their spirit-I know they are with me.

I attribute my lack of aloneness to my faith. God has always been there for me; unconditionally. He's omnipotent, therefore I can trust in him. We as humans make choices; good and bad, we fail, hurt, mistrust, have insecurities, and that's okay. But not God. He gives us his unconditional love. He gives us the freedom to choose him or not...he loves us that much! He also gives us the freedom to make choices that he knows are not good for us. I am sure his heart aches when one of his children chooses to end their own life. It is not God's fault...like any good parent he knows we must have our freedom and make our mistakes.

I won't deny that when my mother and brother committed suicide that I was very angry...with family, friends, the medical community, with God. It hurt and I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want the burden of their choice to kill themselves placed upon me. It was painful not having a familiar place to spend the holidays, but then our holidays were not always joyful experiences.

God will never leave you, you will never be alone if you choose to have him in your life. Happy Easter.

Depression - Practical Help

2007-03-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

When my mom committed suicide I went through a period where I was depressed. We were close. I shared everything with her. I had put her on a pedestal. She was independent, determined and had lived life on her own terms-seeking and reaching her goals. All of a sudden I was forced to re-evaluate what I thought was important and recognizing that my mom was human. Most children don't realize this until they become adults with families of their own...it was pre-mature.

I started counseling. If it weren't for that unbiased person I could share my deepest pain and fears I would have floundered. As much as the people around you care and love you, they may experience ambivalence to what you are experiencing. Some will back away, others will want you to "get over it" because they don't want to see you suffer. It was up to me to find understanding and compassion (at first I was angry and felt betrayed, that's a natural reaction). But like I've said, this is ultimately your journey and you will be a better person; proud, strong and more compassionate, when you don't rely on others to do your work.

I acknowledged that my feelings were legitimate and real. I did not accept offers of anti-depressants by the health clinic, at the university, to "help" me cope. I wanted to be clear in my suffering. As a note, if you have been diagnosed with a mental disorder (always get two opinions), then you have a disease that has to be addressed. You need medication, it's not something you can "will" away. But I have reservation about prescribing prozac and other drugs when you are clinically depressed...they fog the mind and make it hard to see to the core of your turmoil. It's a personal decision.

I took one day at a time, and took care of myself first. If I hadn't slept the night before, I took the next day off; yes, it meant that I would miss a class or work, but it was what I needed. People will be understanding - to a point, don't take advantage of this. I also took a term off of school. Do whatever it takes to make life easier.

I listened to music that made me happy; brought back fond memories. Music is powerful.

I rewarded myself with simple joys i.e. treated myself to a latte, hot baths with essential oils (aromatherapy really worked for me - jasmine and lemongrass are a couple scents that benefit the nervous system. A good book to read "The Power of Aroma by Joanne Rippin)and massage.

I did not rely on others to heal my pain or give me strength. This took me awhile to accomplish. It's natural to feel bitter and angry, so don't fret. But I hope that my sharing this will help. I started by being at peace with myself and feeling relief in not having to be "anything" for anyone else. This ironically attracted people to me.

I went on retreats. Not only did it give me a break from my environment, but I was surrounded by people who were mindful and positive.

I read the book "The Road Less Traveled" and other books that helped me to realize I was not alone in my feelings.

And, whenever possible, I gave to others. Thinking of others, and getting out of my own head did wonders! Call a friend on their birthday or volunteer at a soup kitchen. The key is to find things you can do that are non-committal.

I wanted to get "through" the suffering; not around it, because I knew there was something to be gained. I had faith in myself and in the experience. We can not control what goes on in the world, we can only control how we preceive and deal with these events.

Stigmatization of Bereaved Survivors

2007-03-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

Studies have shown (McIntosh 1992) that there are insignificant differences between bereavement of natural deaths and deaths caused by suicide or homicide. Where there are significant differences are in the area of self-imposed shame and guilt when you are grieving someone's suicide or homicide (Rubel 1999).

I did not feel ashamed or guilty. I knew that I had done all I was capable of doing. I also knew that mental illness was a disease, not something I could cure. Having a mental illenss does not mean you will commit suicide, nor does having suicidal thoughts mean that you have a mental illness.

It is a natural reaction to tell a bereaved survivor "it was not your fault." I was understanding of people who told me this. They did not know the history; how hard I tried to show compassion and understanding. I did not withhold, from those I knew well and could trust, about how my family members had died. I wanted to open the conversation, so that we could move towards removing the stigma of suicide. But I withheld this information from others; I did not know well, out of compassion for their feelings. As my husband said "what do you say?" I didn't want to make people feel uncomfortable. We have a hard enough time talking about a cancer diagnosis or someone's natural death.

St Augustine considered suicide as unacceptable within Christian values (Pritchard, 1996). Gradually, the stigma against suicide intensified in Europe and became a great sin, shame and eventually a crime. A number of philosophers and writers including William Shakespeare sought to encourage a more understanding and compassionate view but this movement had little impact before Durkheim's studies made clear the social rather than moral origins of suicide (Retterstol, 1993). Although suicide and attempted suicide were decriminalised in 1961 (Levine & Pyke, 1999), we have practiced since within a culture of ambivalence wherein stigma is neither high nor totally eliminated. Indeed, the multicultural/multifaith dimension within society and its thinking has complicated matters considerably.

The stigma surrounding suicide remains just high enough to discourage people — especially the elderly — from talking about their suicidal thoughts. Some people feel that they might be labelled as weak, lacking faith, coming from bad families or indeed ‘mad’ if they were to declare their suicidal thoughts. This does not help when we are trying to detect early signs of suicide or reaching out to help victims of despair.

What we need is more compassion, not pity. Compassion as defined by Websters-

com·pas·sion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Pity takes it one step further:

pit·y: sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.

We want to alleviate the pain, but we cannot and should not deny any person the pain or suffering...there is something to be learned from every experience, both good and bad. This may sound like "tough love," but it's actually showing faith in the person to know that they are strong, vital and capable. Enabling a person just prolongs the process of self-realization. We all make our own choices; no one forces us to make these decisions. We are all on our own personal journey's. God gave us the freedom to choose; right or wrong, good or bad. We must show the same faith in others, that God shows in us.

What No One Tells You

2007-02-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

These are a few things I had to learn the hard way.

Autopsy report:
When someone committs suicide an autopsy is required. Reading about your loved one being dissected is very hard to say the least. Reading "unremarkable" in reference to someone who was remarkable in life is painful. The examiner is just doing their job, they use the word "unremarkable" to state that a particular organ was in acceptable shape. I didn't need to read the report. I should have just filed it away, but when you're in shock you're looking for anything to help you to understand.

Cremation:
Don't disperse the "ashes" on a windy day. There are bone fragments and the "ashes" are more like ground pumice. And unless you choose an urn from the funeral home or supply one for them, you will receive your loved one in a plastic bag placed in a box a little smaller than a shoe box.

But the most prominent memory was how life went on as usual around me. You still have work, family, responsibilties, on top of the business of taking care of your loved ones lives left unfinished. They have bills you need to pay, notifying everyone of their death...order at least 10 death certificates, everyone requires one. Everytime you have to notify someone involved in their lives i.e. insurance, social security, bank, utilities, it's another reminder that they are dead. It really stinks that when you're in a grieving state, you have to be "bothered" with the mundane. It really did put life in perspective for me. What's really important are people, not the job, the mortgage, the bills. Yes, these are the realities, but the essentials run deeper.

When someone you loved has died, the world stops for you. And it's mind-boggling that everyone else is going along with theirs. What's ironic is that this is the same feeling my husband and I had when our daughter was born. It's the circle of life.

Hope

2007-02-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

This is what my husband refers to as "furball and hotpad." Obie was a persian, some people don't like cats without noses. I can go either way.

Pets have always reminded me of what it means to stay grounded. And just looking at their cute faces and watching the things they do puts things in perspective.

Each day brings promise, a chance to make a difference or turn something around. It's up to us to to look at situations from a different view point. Like playing tourist in your own city; be an actor in your own life, and see the changes that come about.

It's the law of the universe, that whatever goes up, comes down(then it comes up again). We will have fantastic days, mediocre days, and really shitty days. And if we don't force it, we'll go through the whole spectrum. Have faith that it's all good, and be relaxed with that balance.

Some of the people interviewed after the Oscars i.e. Jennifer Hudson, Eddie Murphy, Ellen DeGeneres, were saying "everything is so good right now, it's scary." We can't stay "up" forever, but we also can't stay "down" forever either. It's all about balance and not being affraid. Having a pet helps me remember this.

My wife with a simple life

2007-02-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is an article my husband submitted to Real Simple magazine (it didn't get published, but I love it just the same). Sometimes it's not enough to say you're okay...it takes that second opinion, at least that's how it is for me...

I asked her if her parents lived nearby and she smiled and shook her head, a signal to let me know the conversation was over. "My parents are deceased," she said, matter of fact. Her delivery made clear it was a long time ago and without mercy. I sipped my beer, promised myself to never bring it up again even if I had the chance.
I knew it wasn’t a boating accident. I knew for sure about a month later when we found ourselves deep in traffic. I think she was talking about her time managing a Gap store on Geary Street in San Francisco and telling me how much she hated it. "It was bad," she'd said. "Plus, it was right after my mom died." I reacted to her words the way I usually do when I don’t know what to say: I mumbled an apology and pretended the silence wasn’t awkward. By the time I rolled down the window, she told me her mom committed suicide. And her dad killed himself, too, ten years before that.
What do you say to something like that?
I can’t imagine or I’m so sorry or It must’ve been hell are fine, yes, but they also work for when the neighbor tells you about his flooded basement. I wish I could’ve comforted her during that moment. Instead I kept quiet, frozen in my own emotional anemia and trying not to think about how her mom took her last gasp inside a closed garage with the car running.
I remember wanting to let her know I understood what it was like to have your own mother take her life. And how it felt to know that your dad drove to the end of a logging road in Southwest Washington, taped one end of a garden hose to the tailpipe and left the other end on the seat next to him and wouldn’t be found until a week later.
She was barely 22 by the time she outlived both parents.

Experiences shape everything. It’s no wonder her view of the world is devoid of super-sized anything. Nothing’s to be taken for granted. Call waiting she finds disturbing. Shopping is not a pastime. Lawns are for baseball and swing sets. And most important, people matter.
I fell under her spell gradually and then completely during my first trip through her apartment stoop 17 years ago. She had nothing to hide. Her baggage amounted to books, vinyl LPs, and a fur ball of a kitten I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for or roll into a hot pad. She didn’t have a TV and she owned exactly one pan. It was a fry pan. We boiled linguini in it. I can’t remember any symptoms of emotional blight or post trauma. I do, however, remember how simple she lived.
By the time we married, had our one daughter and bought our first home, I’d known her brother Jeff for four years. In that time, I’d gained some familiarity with bipolar manic-depression and the duration of when my brother in-law would turn away from the world. His bright, charming highs were inevitably followed by dark, secluded lows. Gifted and cursed. He seemed to be going places. His future promised a successful career right up until his roommate walked in on his lifeless body and saw his head on a pillow, face wrapped in plastic. The San Francisco County Medical Examiner’s office called it self-inflicted asphyxiation. He was 28. It hurt and I’m not the one who saw him grow up or watch him play Tom Sawyer on the high school stage. Disbelief, denial, anger and then sorrow so profound that the simplest tasks made no sense.
While I can’t pretend to understand or compare how she felt then or now, I know enough to realize the disbelief, denial, anger and sorrow were as real as Earth. I now knew firsthand about the sting that comes from people who say, "Got to move on."
Somehow, getting over it would be too final and making an effort to forget the person we loved. Suicide compounds the loss. It’s untidy and surrounded by too many what-ifs. She sometimes doesn’t want to move on. Or can’t. I understand that.

Today, she organizes people’s lives and houses, cleans ours, and steadily guides and nurtures our daughter with all the right advice and space to get her homework done and reach inside and skyward all at once. She still has time to finish quilts, rake the yard, do the taxes and paint the house. Grace comes to her because she knows what she wants and is unconcerned with what other people think, including my mom. I think what keeps her sane and young is that she’d much rather chat about bio-diversity than shop for shoes. Her demands revolve around truth and good manners at the dinner table. The easy road is seldom the right road, but the right road is the simple one. She taught me that.
Aside from making her own morning espresso, she treads quietly. Her province is her simplicity. She intuits things. Her eyes shine like lighthouses. Her enthusiasm is real. She holds onto values and they do not wiggle. No matter who she’s talking to or how out of control the conversations get, her heart is unafraid of regret. Her Wednesday morning Meals-on-Wheels routine gets her invited into stark dwellings of some of the city’s most invisible people. She gets asked inside not only because she cares about what people have to say, but also because she’s moved by the dignity she sees behind cloudy eyes and faces crooked with pain. I’ve witnessed her fill an empty room with compliments, both generous and warm. I’ve seen her flirt with a man whose wartime exploits seemed more recent than his bath-time ones.
Where she draws from her experience as an anti-child, I rely on having grown up a spoiled child. Motherhood to her is far clearer than fatherhood is to me. I grew up believing -- as the youngest in a family of eight -- that our ‘60s split-level was Hyannisport West. Baseball filled the street, forts hid in the woods, and Evel Keneivel jump ramps spanned over Robbie Thompson's four-year-old brother. Days and years of uninterrupted fun. No demons. No abuse. I felt like I could pretty much walk on water. She, I suspect, grew up walking on eggshells.

The despair of a suicidal troika doesn’t dry up or disappear for anyone. Not even her. You can’t lose three-fourths of your family one fourth at a time and not have it burrow inside.
Still, she’s not the one stumbling through the dark, looking for the light, shoes untied. She’s the opposite of that. She has clarity. Under all the blanketing layers of tragedy and illness and brokenness and sorrow and loss, she’s found her way. It’s made her simple, pure, and real.

Reassurance

2007-02-25T15:47:00.000-08:00

It's a natural reaction to be concerned for someone whose lost three of four immediate family members to suicide. Statistically I'm a sitting duck. But the truth is, no matter how bad it got, I don't have it in me; genetically or emotionally, to kill myself.

Since I can remember, I've believed that there was something bigger out there taking care of me. Believing in that higher power and having a healthy support system has helped me. I can't afford to have "toxic" people in my life. Toxic people means anyone that I can not seem to relate to, or who brings me pain; either due to their "bent on life," or boundaries that I've drawn for myself due to what I've experienced in my life. This is not to say that I'm intolerant, or that I always follow my own advise. I think I have a great deal of empathy and compassion; sometimes I've put others needs before my own. What it does say is that I acknowledge my unique perspective, and have to keep myself safe...it's a matter of life and death.

As I mentioned, the statistics are stacked against me when it comes to carrying the bi-polar gene - read the blog link at right on manic depression. But, I think that keeping myself in a healthy environment keeps that gene from being triggered (if I carry it). There's no scientific proof of this, just my real life experience.

2007-02-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Don McLean, Vincent, American Pie (1972)

Letting Go

2007-02-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

If you love someone let them go, if they come back their love is true. If they don't come back, their love was never yours to keep - Anonyomous

This saying applies to family, as well as friends. It's not healthy or good to sustain a relationship with someone who brings more negative, than positive, affirmations of ourself and the relationship.

This is what ultimately happened between my siblings and I. There was too much we couldn't explain, that caused us to come from so many different angles. But the biggy for me was the drug and alcohol use...I wouldn't put up with it! It was destroying me, and my family (husband and young daughter).

The last time I spoke to my brother, he was drunk and had called me from San Francisco (where he lived) "just to talk." This was 9 months after he had attempted suicide and was saved. I went to Sequoia Medical Center in Mt. View to offer support and let him know he was not alone, but what I got from him was hostility and manipulative behavior. The day I was going to leave to come home, he said he didn't want to see me...if I had listened, and not visited him in the hospital that day, I would not have the memory of him embracing me and saying "I love you, I'm so sorry." That was the last time I saw him. These "last moment" memories are very important in the grieving and healing process, and that's why it's wise to "never go to bed angry," and always let people know you love them. Maybe some would say, "you weren't respecting his feelings," but the truth is, at this point Jeff didn't know what his feelings were anymore, it was all dilusional. I won't go into the details of what triggered this final stage of his disease, out of respect for others. But suffice to say, that losing a friend/roommate in a boating accident on his 27th birthday, left Jeff reeling in unresolved and current emotional pain.

He left a note on his bedroom door, for his roommates, saying that he would not need a ride into work that day, October 4, 1992. He spent that day organizing all his belongings into boxes, while drinking (a case of beer was found next to his bed) and writing letters to his two ex-girlfriends. On the morning of October 6 his roommate suspected something was not right, and entered Jeff's room to see him lying on the bed with a plastic bag over his head.

I got a call from his best friend's sister a day later; a Thursday morning. She said she needed to talk to me, and I asked if we could meet later in the day, but she said she needed to talk to see me now! I wasn't thinking about Jeff, but maybe some crisis she was going through, duh.

When she came over, we sat down with our coffee and she asked me if it was okay to talk in front of my daughter, in which I replied "just spell out what you don't want her to hear"...it's hard to keep a two year old away from mom's side, they need full attention. Then she said "Jeff's dead." It didn't click with me, even though she'd only be talking about my brother, and knowing that he was on the downfall, it just didn't register. I said "My Jeff?" She then gave me the details, as she had known them, from her brother who had grown up with my brother; was a very dear friend to Jeff and their friend who had died in the boating accident. He couldn't call me, because he was completely devasted, he'd lost his two best friends in one year!

The next few hours, and days, are a blur for me. I tried to stay the course for my daughter. I didn't cry when I heard, drove my daughter over to my husband's parents house. I told my mother-in-law what had happened, that I was going to work and I'd be back at the regular time. I went to work and just couldn't do it. I asked my client if we could re-schedule, went home and had a melt-down. I called my husband and when he asked "do you want me to come home?" I said "no." Part of me wanted him home, but another part of me said "who in their right mind would ask such a question?" I knew he needed time to process, so I let him off the hook.

I had planned a trip a couple weeks earlier to visit a friend in Boise for the weekend...she needed me; and I needed to be away, so I left with my daughter the day after getting the news. When my mom had died, I was "present," but this time I was taking care of myself and avoiding. I felt bad for leaving the dealings of death to my husband, who had never experienced a death, or tradgic event for that matter, in his life. He took care of the obituary and the phone calls. When I got home I set up the memorial service.

Jeffery

2007-02-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

Jeff was the kind of guy that everyone liked. He was funny, smart, charming, talented. He had it all.

Even though he died in 1992, I still can't believe he's gone. He was only 28 years old! When he died, I went into route mode; just going through the motions. Nothing made sense anymore.

Jeff had great positions in some of this countries top companies; Nike, Northface and Oracle. He had many friends. And the potential to do great things.

He had demons that none of us knew about because Jeff was so good at masking and turning the attention on others. He said to me, "if you listen more than you talk, people will love you...people want to talk about themselves."

He was a giver, sentimental, good golfer and basketball player. His favorite band was The Grateful Dead. He was a great dresser. Standing at 6'3" with his good looks, he stood out in a crowd.

Dick

2007-02-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken two weeks into a year tour of duty in Vietnam in 1967(my dad's the one in the middle). He would go back for another tour in 1969 and honorably discharged in 1970. This is the only picture I have of my father. I know very little about him. My mother and father divorced when I was six years old. The last time I saw him was a month before he died. My mother had told us that he was a dangerous man, and we were not to talk to him. He showed up at our house, and asked to talk to me through a broken window in our kitchen (I can't remember how our window broke, but it was covered with cardboard until it could be repaired). I took the cardboard off the window; I felt sorry for him, he was my dad! He told me how much he loved me, my sister and brother, and that he was not a bad man. Then he asked if I would hold his hand...I've never been so scared, I put my hand through the broken window; that still had jagged glass pieces that could not be removed. I thought he was going to hurt me...he didn't. He kissed my hand, tears falling, then said "good-bye."

Dick was the middle child of five. He was born in Sleepeye, Minnesota. His father left the family in the middle of the night, and moved to Oregon. My grandmother packed up everything and took her five children to Oregon in seach of him. He must have loved her tenacity, and they reunited. That was the last time my grandmother ever stood up for herself. My grandfather beat my grandmother and the kids.

When my father graduated from Franklin High School he joined the Air Force to be with his brother, Bob. He married my mom a year later and they moved to Victorville, California onto Georges Air Force Base.

He liked to smoke a pipe, loved to read and go fishing. He had a deep voice, maybe due to all his smoking. And he was very handsome, by today's standards he'd be compared to a Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCapprio.

I wish I knew more about him...did he play sports? where did he work? who were his friends? But sadly, the only stories I'm told are of his Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde personality, his excessive drinking and womanizing, and his mental illness - he had manic depression. That is not how I (or he, for that matter) would like him to be remembered. He was attening a community college just before his death and was taking courses to get his degree in english.

On May 5th, 1973, Dick told his brother, David, that he was going fishing up in Washington for a few days. Hours later David found my father's fishing pole, and the garden hose was missing. They found my father's partially decomposed body eight days later, off a logging road in Washington State. For reasons I will never understand, my mom asked to have the car he killed himself in, moved to our house. When I smell roadkill I think of the few days the car sat in front of our house. To look inside the car and see the maggots, stains on the upholstery and know that this was where my father died, was something no child should have to experience.

I felt sad that he had died, but at twelve years old I was only thinking of myself. But I do remember saying to my mom, "is their something wrong with the Solberg's brain?" This was 20 years before neurologists mentioned serotonin and it's role with mental illness. At the time of my father's death, people believed he brought his troubles on himself, now we know he couldn't help it. His highs and lows were from bi-polar disease. He drank to numb himself, which brought on violent tendencies. It doesn't make what he did right, but it did make it easier for me to forgive.

Why?

2007-02-18T13:06:00.000-08:00

The first question you ask when someone kills themself is "Why?"

It's a futile question, even if they have left a suicide note, you'll never have the answer. Life is dynamic, and there's a million and one things that happen that could explain why someone chooses to "give up." It's the perfect storm that causes the ultimate decision.

There are a few things that rang true with my family members who committed suicide. First, they suffered from bi-polar disease, or trauma in childhood. Second, they self medicated with alcohol. And third, the final straw was the loss of love. My father killed himself after my mother; after years of being divorced from him, told him to never contact her again. My mother's second husband told her he wanted a divorce days before she killed herself. My brother killed himself, after two painful breakups.

Suicide is personal and selfish, but I truly believe that when a person comes to that end, they believe they are doing the best thing for those they love...they feel they have become a burden. They slowly close themselves off, from those they love and even themselves. They get lost in the malestrom of their minds, and believe only the voice in their heads. This is because to share with anyone how they are really feeling puts them in a more vulnerable place then they feel they are already. They want control over their life, but they lack the tools.

Bi-polar disease is not something you will away. It's also a disease that until recently was not fully understood, and therefore treatments hindered on barbaric. To succumb to this disease and then be treated as a guinea pig to find the proper dosage of lithium is sometimes more painful than the disease itself. It takes fortitude, hope and acknowledgement to push on...something people who feel suicidal often lack.

Then there's the issue of alcoholism. My family is genetically predisposed, as I've come to realize. I'm not sure, but I would guess that the majority of suicides were accomplished with the aid of drugs or alcohol. Afterall, it's one of human's primal instincts to survive. We don't like to experience pain. Alcohol and drugs release our inhibitions, and distort reality. In my mother and father's suicides they choose carbon dioxide poisioning. My brother choose suffocation. But in all cases, they had high alcohol levels in their blood. Ofcourse, there are those suicides where the anger is so strong, it takes on a life of it's own.

I'm not an expert, this is just what I've experienced; which I guess could qualify me as an expert, sort of. I don't want to understand "why?" I loved these people, and that was not enough. Their actions changed my life, for better-appeciating everyone around me and worse-abandonment.

In memory of these people, I dedicate this blog: Dick, Juel, Jeff, Al, Robert, Nick, David, Sandy, Randy, Todd, Anita, Ernest, Vincent, Kurt, and all those listed at the website "List of Suicides" under my "Blogs."

They suffered. God rest their souls.

Juel

2007-02-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

She was born in a small Wisconsin town called Ladysmith. My grandmother said when she was born she looked like snow white...beautiful, clear complexion and curly brown hair. She had Betty Davis eyes that hid more than you could see.

Her upbringing was tough. Moving to Oregon as a small child after her mother divorced,twin brother and sister born in the same year as her mother began to drink, Juel was forced into a mother role. Molested by her step father at 16 years old, she moved in with the next door neighbor, who would become a life-long friend. My grandmother blamed my mom for the sexual abuse. I can't imagine how that made her feel.

Juel decided very early on that she was going to move out of this impoverished environment and never look back...that was her drive. She would never be poor, being poor meant you were a bad person; albeit distorted. She had very little support, and more than her fair share of hostility from jealous and envious family and friends, but that never stopped her - it actually motivated her.

The fateful decision to marry my father - handsome, charming, All-American high school sweetheart, would reverberate throughout the rest of her short life. Before she died, we were walking on the beach at sunset, and she told me that she had always loved my dad, and he was the love of her life. This is the same man who tried to suffocate me when I was six months old, who beat a man to near death, who broke into our home by knocking down the front door, while I and my siblings sat barracaded in the bathroom...it took six police officers to restrain him. Love is a mystery. I know that it was the loss of my mother's love that ultimately killed my father...he said so in his suicide letter, his body was found on their wedding anniversary. So I guess, at the very least, my mother and father loved each other very much.

I know she loved me, but she never felt maternal (she shared that with me). I longed for a mother, she longed for a unconditional friend. She wanted to "keep me" for her own. I felt guilty for going away to college. I allowed her to make me feel this way. She became untrusting of men, due to her continued choice of emotionally unavailable types; mostly married.

She wasn't a complainer, she kept to herself, except when she drank - which became part of her demise. She loved Hawaii in the winter, shoes (she had hundreds of them...all size 5 1/2; she was a petite thing, and I was mad I couldn't wear any of them), she had a great laugh and a very loud sneeze. She loved to snuggle, was self-conscious of her breath in the mornings, so would place the sheet between her teeth when she'd talk to you. She was sentimental, loved the holidays...all of them! even flag day, she'd send a card.

There's a song by Tracy Chapman called Unsung Psalm, and in the lyrics she sings "If anyone cares some stranger my critique my life." I don't want to critique Juel's life, only give a perspective that only I, as her daughter, could give. These are my observations, she was different to different people.

That's maybe why none of us saw it coming when she decided to close the garage door at our beach house, start the truck and wait to die. I don't know if this is true, but the police said it appeared that she tried to escape but was overcome by the fumes. Her blood alcohol level was at .2 when they found her the next day. Her high school friend who lived at the beach, and her husband who was a sheriff stopped by to visit. They found her, and live with that nightmare the rest of their lives.

I live with the nightmare of getting a hysterical call from my step-father while I was at work. To this day, I don't take a happy moment in my life for granted...you can be going along, as I was on that November day, thinking that all is good in the world, and then boom!

This was not the first time I'd heard that someone I loved had killed themselves, and it would not be the last. But it was the most traumatic, and would take a lifetime to recover.

Suicide

2007-01-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

After having three acquaintances committ suicide in 2006 and the beginning of 2007. On top of the experiences of loosing my father, mother and brother to suicide. I have decided to take the leap and share what I know and don't know about suicide. I'm not a writer by any means, that's my husband's department...he's very eloquent and has the technical side down, so please bear with my grammar, run-on sentences, and loosing my train of thought from time to time.

I know (from watching my husband go through the process) that it's hard enough to write fiction, in and of itself, but to write from the heart about something so painful...I'll do the best I can.

A New Year

2006-12-31T19:49:00.000-08:00

Many of us, this time of the year, believe that we will transform and change to suddenly become that person that we've always dreamed of being.

Here's the truth...we are already that person. It screams out to us to release it from the confines of our fears and the past experiences of our lives.

Free your spirit this new year. In 2007 try the "George" thing...whatever your head is telling you to do or not to do, do the oppposite, especially if it's coming from a place of fear. Discretion is good, we know what things not to do, because we know they are harmful i.e. driving too fast, drinking too much, essentially doing anything in excess.

Moderation is key.

Happy 2007, make it the best!