Love and Marriage

I met my husband through a mutual friend, who I worked with and my husband grew up next door to since the time he was 6 years old until he went off to college. I believed in my heart and mind that God had brought us together and that our friend was an angel.

When we started dating there were vast differences in our approaches to life and dealing with people and issues, but we felt we were the Yin/Yang-perfect compliment to each other. We loved each other deeply, in a soulful way. Though I've never prescribed to the "soul mate" philosophy, it just made sense that we were together. I can't really describe it, almost a visceral feeling two people have. We dated for five months when we made the decision, lying in bed the entire day to ask his parents permission to marry (both my parents were deceased). His parents were estatic and even offered for BOTH of us to move into their home to save for the wedding (6 months later). I loved his parents, and sometimes felt more love and acceptance from them than I did from my own parents.

Through the six months of living in the family homestead, I learned a lot about my husband - his upbringing, routines, where he came from in his perspectives. It was a fun time, and a trying time. His mom made me the most beautiful wedding gown! and the 6 bridesmaid dresses.

My first inkling that things were not going to be smooth in our life together came when his very best friend made a comment about not being able to stand up for my husband at our wedding, because he sincerely believed my husband was making a mistake. I was not the woman he should be with...I came from another walk of life (and I wasn't the Jackie O he believed my husband deserved). My husband told me this three weeks before our wedding, and about having doubts whether he was doing the right thing. I didn't flitch, I simply told him that I knew I was making the right decision for me, but I couldn't marry someone who felt any sort of doubt. I gave him my permission to call it off. He did not. That was 21 years ago.

Our marriage has not been unlike many others. Happy and joyful times; having our daughter, buying our first house (and subsequent two others), sharing, loving. And ofcourse the hard times; raising our daughter with conflicting perspectives on discipline, taking care of each other when we were sick, losing jobs, financial issues. All in all, it did not seem that unusual to have these hills and valleys; that's life. What did seem unusual and nagged at me (and possibly my husband) is the disconnect, not feeling like we were meeting midway. Every issue seemed to be a power of wills - who was going to win, who would concede for some payback later. And the initimacy that was lackiing. We spent half our married life sleeping in separate beds; the "excuse" being that my husband had sleep apnea and I had asthma. But even after my asthma went away, and my husband had surgery to cure him and we were sleeping together again, it just didn't feel like we were married.

I don't blame my husband for being afraid to make the decision 21 years ago (three weeks before our marriage) to not go through with our matrimony. But, what I am angry with, is that he was not honest with me. He put up a good front that made it appear to me and the world around us that he was in love and that I was the only one. This was a lie, and I've lived in that lie all these years.

Four months ago, my husband made the fateful decision to have a clandestine meeting with his high school, junior prom date, whom he'd reconnected with on Facebook. He knew what his intentions were; to follow through with an affair, and she was not putting up any stops (as he explained later). Ironically, my dearest friend whom I've known since we were 10 years old, was at the place they had chosen to meet, with all of her family. She watched him come in, sit down, text someone, then slip out of the resturant and into this woman's car. When my husband received an email from my friend asking why he hadn't come over to say hello, my husband lied. My friend didn't let it go, and sent him another email saying "then who was the woman in the black Mercedes?" My husband knew he would not be able to get around this lie, my friend and I have always had each others backs.

Again, as in the very first time that he had come to me with doubt, I was supportive and understanding. Honest in my hurt, but willing to work through helping in whatever way I could. I urged him to do his own work and figure out what was going on with him. That's just not who he is, he knows that, and so pushed back in a way, in order to make "me" make the final decision. That's what I did. We are older and wiser, and looking at another 21+ years of living in lies, is not how I want to spend my life.

When my husband told our daughter, on a drive back from college, she was relieved and not surprised. Her text to me, after she'd heard (and only "conversation" she and I would have -not by my wishes, but hers) was "hey dad told me. i am good...suprisingly not upset about it. tonight my boyfriend and i have plans so i probalby wont see you tonight but tomorrow if you want to come shopping with me you should." I in turn had been working on a letter/email since making the decision, that I sent to her. Never any conversation on this letter either, but we have seen a marked, good, connection since. Our children always know, they live with the disconnect and unhappiness. And, unfortunately, are the ones who take the brunt.

My only wish in going through this, and coming into a new chapter in my life, is that my husband, daughter and I can find our comfort zone and be together in happiness. A healthier relationship then we've experienced. My husband and I were not good at being married; as hard as we tried, but were are good friends - that connection is strong, and I have no doubts in it's future. I, for my part, need to start really figuring out whom I can trust, and start standing up for myself. Not in an aggressive way, but with compassion for myself. I need to find confidence in me, and not be so swayed by others opinions of me. And I need to stop thinking that I'm right - know it all.

In the final analysis, I will live my life in truth and honesty, which sometimes will hurt another (but is always better than the alternative, which is to prolong).

Fidelity

The news yesterday of South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, abandoning his job, wife and four boys for a woman in Buenos Aires hit me very hard. My heart went out to those children...the thoughtlessness and selfishness of his actions! No wonder our children are feeling lost and abandoned...stories of kidnappings, killings by the parents, adulterous public affairs, who do our children have to look up to?

On CNN.com the comment made "When you look at the whole host of people who have admitted to adulterous affairs, if you look at [New York] Gov. [Eliot] Spitzer, he in fact, engaged with a prostitute. ... If you look at former New Jersey Gov. [Jim] McGreevey, he also -- he put a lover on the state payroll. ... Others have survived when it is quote 'merely an affair,' " Crowley said.

Who cares if they survive politically! It's time to give our concentration on the children.

Facebook Nation

I love my Facebook! I love hearing what others are thinking and doing. Seeing photos of family and friends I haven't seen in years. It's not about me, though I do post to reciprocate. It's about connecting with my all too busy family and friends...raising children, running business or governments, work, volunteering and don't forget the "downtime" - who has time to connect with the lucky person who has a plethora of friends? Not me, so this is my answer - Facebook.

Since I do the inviting and accepting of who can visit my "wall," I feel safe (I think I know these people well enough to trust them).
The other day, though, I added a few pictures to some new albums that included people other than myself from year's past. I'm thinking now, that I really should have asked their permission instead of tagging them (which sends them a message that someone has a picture of you-check it out) and waiting for them to say "hey, get that friggin' picture off your Facebook."

My husband, who not only has a Facebook account, but Twitter, MySpace. Blogspot and Match.com (just guessing on the last one), thinks the whole thing is pretty narcissistic. "The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness."-Wikipedia. Maybe that's true with some people on these sites, but my guess is those are the same people who don't have friends, so they turn to blogging instead...just a guess.

I think more than anything it's our human instinct to be a bit voyeuristic (non-sexual, ofcourse)...and anyone who doesn't admit to this natural tendency, is the worst offender - don't be fooled, everyone is curious. We are constantly comparing and reviewing based on others. Hidden cameras on street corners, spying in the name of National Security, and Facebook are just extensions of our human tendency to know what's going on. That's probably why Candid Camera had a run of over 30 years, as well.

Well, time to check my status updates...

It's A Beautiful Day

Tomorrow we will, as American's, walk proud for moving one step closer towards the ideals set by our founding Fathers - "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men(women) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness..."

God Bless this country and look over us in the future, as we move through these tough times. Let us all do our part, and not place the burden unequally on the shoulders of our breathren.

A Christmas to Remember

If ever there was a white Christmas to remember it was this one! Holy smokes, I thought it was never going to stop...but the weather did come through in the final moments so that loved one's could be together. We may not have received the gifts that were purchased and sitting on some truck, but the most important element was in place - being together, safe and warm.

My father-in-law, in our supper prayer, prayed that he would enjoy another Christmas...he and my mother-in-law, are seeing the finals years of their lives. I went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" today, and was so reminded of how precious each part of our lives are, all having a new lesson (at least one) to learn, and the teachable moments they provide for all those around us. Life's journey, ah, and what a journey it has been for me thus far.

We are arriving into the ninth year of this new millenium and my wish is that we as a planet will finally wake up to our challenges to protect mother earth, and our governments will work in unison to bring stability to all. Obama will provide us hope and strength in this country, and we must all do our little part to spread this optimism.

God Bless and Happy 2009!

Economy's Growing Worries

Last week the U.S. government acknowledged that we have been in a recession since last December...thanks, I think we Americans already knew that! Where have these guys been? I'm no economist (I took two econ classes in college), but I understand some basics i.e. the price of utilities, goods and services has risen 10% in the last three years, while our incomes have virtually stayed the same, that equals disaster as we're seeing now.

We are a consumer nation, we make up 5% of the worlds population, yet consume 20% of it's resources. I don't think it would hurt any of us to curb, slightly, this tendency. But the greed goes largely to Wall Street and Banks whose experts took the American people down a dangerous and unethical road. They should not be bailed out, it sends the wrong message.

I do not want to see our tax dollars going to corrupt banks, and corporations. An idea has been circulating, that I believe in - to rescue the approximately 119 million households who are the backbone of this economy by allocating 595 billion to these households ($50,000 per household), to collectively shift the direction this economy is going in, and instill consumer confidence. I assure you that the majority of Americans would be using this windfall to pay off debts (good for the banks), cover mortgages (another good for banks), purchase goods and services (good for the car industry and Wall Street). What a peace of mind it would be! I'm not so confident that the Big Auto Three or Wall Street could manage their bailouts, or spur the economy, as well as the average American. It's our turn.

President Barack Obama

All I can say is WOW! Praise God...I'm full of joy and hopefulness. President Obama and family will be a breath of fresh air, at a time when we need it most.

Horray!!

Undecided voters

This is my own personal opinion, and I guess that's what blogs are for.

Anyone who is undecided, at this point, after 20 months of campaigning by both candidates has got one or more of these issues confounding them:

1.They have not participated in the process. They didn't watch the debates to the full extent, or go to a rally for either candidate.

2.They don't watch t.v., search the web, or read a newspaper.

3.They are not brave enough to state who they believe in...no integrity. Debate when you know what's right is always good.

4. Worst, they make too much or too little and don't want to be vulnerable...transparency to them is toxic.

5. And worst yet, if they support McCain/Palin, they are not couregous enough to admit that it's not on their policies, but because they don't believe a black man has the knowledge to lead a country. Racism is a nasty word, not something you want to be associated with, yet it exists.
To all those first time voters, it's not going to be enough to fill out your registration forms, you've got to FILL OUT YOUR BALLOTS, MAIL THEM NOW, DON'T PROCRASINATE...the world awaits our decision!

Palin's Debate Strategy

You betcha Joe...say it ain't so. Wink.

Aloneness

As people have experienced trials and evident failures in this economy, I've notice something. People are shutting down; less interaction. No one wants to be a downer, and so they reject invites and make themselves "busy" to avoid getting into discussions of how bad things are.

Folks, this is the time to connect, more than ever. Don't isolate from our friends, relatives, or the world (United States). We need to share, to pull together, know we are not alone, and share in the responsiblity of doing what we can to help our fellow man.

We don't need to host parties or go out for dinners we can't afford. How about inviting friends or family over for coffee/tea (maybe add some pastries). One thing I've learned from my grandparents that survived the depression is that the community pulled together and shared whatever they had. It gave them strength and confidence.

We are in for a few years of hard knocks, don't be fooled. Learn to appreciate the things that are lasting; love, friendship, family, God. Materials things have no bearing, and can/and will be taken away in a flash.

Connect, share, make ourselves available to help ourselves through helping others.